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What Parents Need to Know About Mealtime Meltdowns, Tantrums & Food Refusal
February 2022
Last reviewed: February 2022
Author:
Alexandria Delozier, PHD
Coauthors:
Jennifer Anderson, MSPH, RDN
Laura Petix, M.S. OTR/L
Erinn Jacobi, M.S. OTR/L
Stefanie Kain, B.S. M.Ed
About Kids Eat in Color
Created by experts, Kids Eat in Color is the leading resource for families seeking evidence-based information and strategies on child nutrition and feeding.
Author:
Alexandria Delozier, PHD
Coauthors:
Jennifer Anderson, MSPH, RDN
Laura Petix, M.S. OTR/L
Erinn Jacobi, M.S. OTR/L
Stefanie Kain, B.S. M.Ed
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“What is this green thing?! I want French fries!” 3-year-old Jackson shouted as his mother set a plate of chicken and asparagus in front of him.
“It’s asparagus. It’s yummy!” his mom replied.
She and her partner love asparagus, so she figured Jackson would too. Nope! Jackson swatted his plate off the table and had one of his full-blown meltdowns. His mom felt deflated as she mentally added another food to Jackson’s “will-not-eat” list.
If you, like Jackson’s mom, are feeling defeated by your child’s mealtime tantrums and meltdowns and want to learn more, you are in the right place.
We know that feeding kids can be tricky. Reversing picky eating is a long-term process, and we’re here to help you do that! This article will help you understand, prevent and cope with the dreaded mealtime meltdown. You’ll learn:
Meltdowns may look like temper tantrums but they are different.
Meltdowns are triggered by various things. This might include unwanted transitions, such as a little one being told that it is time for lunch when they are in the middle of their game. They can also include an uncomfortable sensory experience for kids, such as a strong smell, the texture of a new food, or the scratchy seam at the toe of their sock.(3)
Meltdowns can look like a kid “shutting down” or “freezing” when they experience a trigger due to the fight, flight and freeze response.
Tantrums, on the other hand, are usually triggered by an unmet request, like when a parent says “no” to candy in the grocery store. Meltdowns also tend to continue for a longer period of time, whereas a tantrum stops when the child has their need or want met.(1)
It’s worth noting that young children are more likely to have tantrums or meltdowns when they are very sleepy or very hungry. (1,2)
Are meltdowns and tantrums normal for kids?
Yes, meltdowns and tantrums are normal! They are a healthy part of development, common in early childhood, and generally decrease with age.(2) But if your child is having frequent, extreme tantrums or meltdowns that are impacting your daily life, you may want to consult a trusted professional, such as your child’s daycare or school teacher, a pediatric occupational therapist, or child therapist.
How to prevent meltdowns at mealtimes
It is common for parents to feel completely defeated after their child throws a tantrum or has a meltdown at mealtimes and refuses to eat food. They may end up giving in to their child’s requests for their favorite snacks. Over time, this can lead to even more food refusals.
But, don’t worry! Here are 3 practical strategies to help prevent mealtime meltdowns.
Make sure your child is well rested and not too hungry. Tired and “hangry” children are more prone to big feelings and will have less control over their behaviors. Create an eating schedule for your child that helps keep their hunger in check throughout the day.
Use a “no pressure” approach at the table. This means not forcing your child to take a bite of the food they are not comfortable with. One no-pressure way you can help your child become more comfortable with new foods over time is by serving micro portions. Micro portions are mini, pea-sized pieces of food. They can be less overwhelming to children compared to larger portions.
Let them play with their food. That is right! You can help prepare your child for the new food by talking about it, showing it to your child, or having your child play with the food before it is served (5). This helps them not feel so surprised when they see it on their plate.
For tons of food play ideas, check out our food play ebookwith over 100 activities for picky kids.
How to manage a meltdown when it’s happening
Even if you follow all of these recommendations, your child may still have rough days that include a tantrum or mealtime meltdown. Here are some things you can do when in the thick of one (6,7):
1. Stay calm
Breathe, count, go to your happy place. An escalated parent won’t be able to deescalate a child.
2. Ride it out
When kids are in the middle of a meltdown, they can’t use their thinking brain. It is best to wait until the behavior is over and then address what just happened.
3. Help your child calm down
While you are riding it out, you can pick one or two strategies that match your child’s personality to help your child find their calm state. This might look like giving a pat or hug or letting them know you understand their feelings (“I can see you feel disappointed right now”).
Often, you will simply need to give them some space to work through their feelings. You can still let them know you are there for them by saying, “I am here if you need me.” Remember, the goal is to be calm. Hovering over your child or speaking too much can make a meltdown worse.
4. Teach
Once the meltdown is over and your child is calm, you can address what happened. You could say something like, “You felt nervous when you saw asparagus on your plate. It is okay to be nervous. You tried to hit me. It is not okay to hit.”
To learn more about how to manage mealtime meltdowns and teach your kids to like more foods check out our BetterBites picky eating programs.
Nekitsing, Chandani, Marion M. Hetherington, and Pam Blundell-Birtill. 2018. “Developing Healthy Food Preferences in Preschool Children Through Taste Exposure, Sensory Learning, and Nutrition Education.” Current Obesity Reports 7 (1): 60–67. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13679-018-0297-8.
Created by experts, Kids Eat in Color is the leading resource for families seeking evidence-based information and strategies on child nutrition and feeding.
Alli Delozier is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who is passionate about supporting the emotional and physical wellbeing of children, adolescents, and their parents through evidenced based psychological and behavioral therapies. She specializes in pediatric psychology, body positive parenting, and adolescent/young adult health.
Dr. Delozier has worked in a variety of settings, including academic medical centers, children’s hospitals, community-based mental health, child advocacy centers, tribal healthcare (IHS), and most recently virtual therapy and coaching through her private practice, Delozier Psychological Services & Consultation. She is passionate about working directly with parents to help support them in empowering their families to reach their emotional and physical health goals through a non-diet, body positive framework and training providers and institutions on how to integrate inclusive practices in healthcare settings.
Dr. Delozier’s academic background includes completing her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Oklahoma State University and her predoctoral internship and postdoctoral fellowship at the University of Mississippi Medical Center where she focused on establishing inclusive healthcare services for underserved populations. In addition to her private practice, she is an Assistant Professor of Psychology at an academic medical center. She spends her time working directly with clients, training students, educating providers and the community, and contributing to scientific research.
Dr. Delozier is also a mom of young children. She lives on a small farm with her family and enjoys spending time with her kids outdoors, cooking, and experimenting with (picky eater friendly) recipes.
“What is this green thing?! I want French fries!” 3-year-old Jackson shouted as his mother set a plate of chicken and asparagus in front of him.
“It’s asparagus. It’s yummy!” his mom replied.
She and her partner love asparagus, so she figured Jackson would too. Nope! Jackson swatted his plate off the table and had one of his full-blown meltdowns. His mom felt deflated as she mentally added another food to Jackson’s “will-not-eat” list.
If you, like Jackson’s mom, are feeling defeated by your child’s mealtime tantrums and meltdowns and want to learn more, you are in the right place.
We know that feeding kids can be tricky. Reversing picky eating is a long-term process, and we’re here to help you do that! This article will help you understand, prevent and cope with the dreaded mealtime meltdown. You’ll learn:
What are meltdowns?
Meltdowns may look like temper tantrums but they are different.
Meltdowns are triggered by various things. This might include unwanted transitions, such as a little one being told that it is time for lunch when they are in the middle of their game. They can also include an uncomfortable sensory experience for kids, such as a strong smell, the texture of a new food, or the scratchy seam at the toe of their sock.(3)
Meltdowns can look like a kid “shutting down” or “freezing” when they experience a trigger due to the fight, flight and freeze response.
Tantrums, on the other hand, are usually triggered by an unmet request, like when a parent says “no” to candy in the grocery store. Meltdowns also tend to continue for a longer period of time, whereas a tantrum stops when the child has their need or want met.(1)
It’s worth noting that young children are more likely to have tantrums or meltdowns when they are very sleepy or very hungry. (1,2)
Are meltdowns and tantrums normal for kids?
Yes, meltdowns and tantrums are normal! They are a healthy part of development, common in early childhood, and generally decrease with age.(2) But if your child is having frequent, extreme tantrums or meltdowns that are impacting your daily life, you may want to consult a trusted professional, such as your child’s daycare or school teacher, a pediatric occupational therapist, or child therapist.
How to prevent meltdowns at mealtimes
It is common for parents to feel completely defeated after their child throws a tantrum or has a meltdown at mealtimes and refuses to eat food. They may end up giving in to their child’s requests for their favorite snacks. Over time, this can lead to even more food refusals.
But, don’t worry! Here are 3 practical strategies to help prevent mealtime meltdowns.
For tons of food play ideas, check out our food play ebook with over 100 activities for picky kids.
How to manage a meltdown when it’s happening
Even if you follow all of these recommendations, your child may still have rough days that include a tantrum or mealtime meltdown. Here are some things you can do when in the thick of one (6,7):
1. Stay calm
Breathe, count, go to your happy place. An escalated parent won’t be able to deescalate a child.
2. Ride it out
When kids are in the middle of a meltdown, they can’t use their thinking brain. It is best to wait until the behavior is over and then address what just happened.
3. Help your child calm down
While you are riding it out, you can pick one or two strategies that match your child’s personality to help your child find their calm state. This might look like giving a pat or hug or letting them know you understand their feelings (“I can see you feel disappointed right now”).
Often, you will simply need to give them some space to work through their feelings. You can still let them know you are there for them by saying, “I am here if you need me.” Remember, the goal is to be calm. Hovering over your child or speaking too much can make a meltdown worse.
4. Teach
Once the meltdown is over and your child is calm, you can address what happened. You could say something like, “You felt nervous when you saw asparagus on your plate. It is okay to be nervous. You tried to hit me. It is not okay to hit.”
To learn more about how to manage mealtime meltdowns and teach your kids to like more foods check out our BetterBites picky eating programs.
References